Where are YOU going to spend eternity???
Does God Love Me?
No. Not even God can love someone as ugly as you
Hey! Isn't this supposed to be an inspirational tract used for the purposes of spreading propaganda and converting the unwashed heathens?
No no. This is supposed to be a parody of the inspirational tracts used for the purposes of spreading propaganda and converting the unwashed heathens. Except for this one, these are actual questions that come from a couple tracts I happened to get my hands on. They are, however, phony answers. Much better answers, if you ask me. If anybody happens to have more such tracts available to them, send them my way.
I am not wicked. I am a decent, moral person. Surely the good I have done in my life far outweighs whatever bad I have done.
I'd wager against it. You've fucked up an awful lot in your short time here on earth. Maybe you've forgotten about that time when you were 8 years old that you blamed the dog for knocking your mother's favorite vase over, but God hasn't. God liked that vase.
If I am such a wicked person in God's sight, what will God do to me?
I'm really not the person to ask, having never been dead. Or as wicked as you, for that matter. But my friend's cousin's roommate went there one time on a dare, and he says it's terrible; they make you watch exercising programs all day.
Oh, come on now! Hell is not real, is it? Surely things are not that bad
I don't know, but my friend's cousin's roommate sure didn't like it. I'd watch out if I were you.
That is terrible! Why would God create Hell?
I don't know. Why do people make exercise programs? You'd have to ask them. People do all sorts of weird things. Don't blame God for man's obsession with his weight.
Does that mean that at the end of the world everyone will be brought back to life again to be judged and sent to Hell?
Unless you can con somebody else into going on your behalf
Are you saying that if I trust in Christ as my substitute, as the One punished for my sins, then I will not have to worry about hell anymore?
You'd really have to ask Him yourself, I don't know.
But what does it mean to believe in him? If I agree with all that the Bible says about Christ as Savior, than I am saved from going to Hell?
That's right! And if you call within the next 15 minutes you'll get this lovely change purse FREE, signed my Christ Himself.
Are you saying that there is no way to escape Hell except through Jesus? What about all the other religions? Will their followers go to hell?
It certainly appears that way
Doesn't the Bible teach that I must attend church regularly and be baptized? Will these save me?
No. As often happens, much of the mean was lost in the translation. What the bible really meant to say is to donate regularly to the church.
Now I am desperate. I do not want to go to Hell. What can I do?
Get down on your knees and invite Christ into your spot in hell.
How can I believe on Christ if I know so little about Him?
Because I said so
Does this mean I have to surrender everything to God?
No, this means you have to surrender to me.
I don't know if I am ready to do that. I need some time to think about it.
Oh you'll have plenty of time to think about it...while watching exercise videos with the Prince Of DARKNESS!!!!!!
Is the day of wrath and judgement really near? Can we know how close to the end of the world we might be?
Oh it's close. It was supposed to be on the year two thousand, but God's gotten behind on some of His Divine Paperwork, so it'll be any day now, as soon as He finishes it'll be Judgement Day.
Besides being the time for Judgement Day, what else will happen at the end of the world?
I know Judgement Day seems kinda dull, but we really need to get all our judging done. So at this point there are no festivities planned, but if everything goes well maybe we can all play a round of Yatzee or something.
Why does God give us this warning?
Because if you people have your shit together on Judgement Day, it'll make it that much easier for him to just zip right through. Unforntuately, if your life isn't in order, you may be jeoardizing everyone's round of Yatzee. In the Old Testament, there was this city, Nineveh, and God was like "Look you guys, if you can't keep your collective act together, I'm gonna have to destroy your city."
What did the people of Nineveh do?
They got thier shit together
Did God hear their prayers?
No, that was the day of the Super Bowl. It happened to go into overtime that year, and he forgot about Nineveh entirely.
Can I still cry to God for mercy so that I will not come into judgement?
Sure. I don't know if it'll do you any good.
Are you ready to meet God?
Do not conform yourself to this age but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and pleasing and perfect
-Romans 12:2