You can pee, but you can't flush (-Kelly Purple)

Tuesday, December eighth, this ninteen hundred ninty-eighth year of Our Lord


To quote friend of Pat Robinson, Scott Ross, "Hallelujah!". Late December seventh, water main broke west of the school. You could pee, but you couldn't flush. They were gonna have mass and let us out at noon, so we were going to have twenty-five minute classes. Of all days they had to cancel it. Of course they didn't tell us before hand. We just arrived to find our school in pandimonium, which was actually mildly amusing. Because of where the pipe that broke was, you could only approch the school from one direction, which us unenlightened ones figured was the cause of the chaos. Normally I guess there are about twenty cars at any given time trying to get in, and fifteen or so trying to get out. However the intake is from two directions, so it kind of balances out. But that perticular day, we had probably fifty, all from the same direction, and the occasional car sneaking out. So we were going up this walk way with a 40 degree list when this guy turns the corner out of the driveway at probably forty miles an hour, and yells "Hey, didn't you hear? School's canceled!" as I watched my mom driving away. We all just kind of looked at eachother in disbelief and exchanged "Yeah-right"s. It was probably the coldest day all winter, about 30 degrees, I hauled my ass out of bed, lugged my two huge debate boxes all the way out of the car, and up the ramp, and now, for NOTHING!!! But then on the other hand maybe I should be exhubrant, they did, after all, cancel school.
We got up to the top, and it was the strangest thing. the principal was standing there stoic, as always, but there were probably four teachers just frolicking saying "School's canceled". It was all very cartoon. And then I see this pathetic little print out "School's canceled". It was so weird. All the while I'd been walking with some random people, and had yet to see anyone I knew. I still didn't know whether or not to be pissed. I don't remember where I cought up with my friends, probably within the next couple of minutes. We all had to use the pay phone. There are five on campus, two right next to eachother, where there was a huge crowd. No one but us though to use the one in the quad. It probably would have taken less time for one person to wait at the pair, seeing as we had aquired a group or about ten. Meanwhile I was running down the quad saying the "fuck" repeatedly. After about two people, we lost all patience and agreed to call our parents later. After some petty bickering as to what to do with this glorious God given day, we decided to meet the people who still wanted to call parents at Horton Plaza. Of course it wasn't even eight yet, and nothing was open, but that was beside the point. So we were just starting down the ramp when we see the bus whirl around the corner. Normally we would just run down through the foliage (even though it's at about a seventy degree angel), however today was a "dress up day" which means we all had to wear high heels. Some people managed to go anyway, but I wasn't gonna chance it. I don't have any nice shoes of my own, so whenever they assign us a "dress up day" I always just swipe a pair of my mom's. However it is against my mothers religious beliefs to wear any shoes with a heel of less than six inches, so that's why I didn't wanna chance it. We ran like our asses were on fire, and the bus driver was nice enough to wait for us. After we had pledged our eternal gratitude, we annoyed some old people by being loud and crude, as always do. There was a big detour because we couldn't go through the one intersection where the water was. So instead of sitting through the detour, we got off a stop and walked to this little God forsaken trolley station, but to get to it, we had to walk on water (because we are THAT holy). Not only that but we had to face THE DRUNKEN SNOWMAN!!!!! The lot is normally just a liquor shop and a very big parking lot, but at Christmas, about half the lot is used up when they sell christmas Trees, pumpkins at Holloween, that sort of thing. But at Christmas, they have this big snowman who guards the trees, to make sure no one comes in the middle of the night to try and steal one. He smokes a pipe, and is always tilting, but never fully falling. One time when somebody tried to steal a tree, we went by on the bus later that day, and the thief's leg was still hanging out of the snow man's mouth. Another time he tried to eat Natalie!!! The trauma of the event has blocked most of it out of my memory, but poor Natalie's still undergoing intensive therapy.
So in order to get around the water, some people there trying to fix the pipe put these wooden, wanna-be crate-ish things on the ground to hop across. About mid-way accross I heard somebody say "I feel like Tom Sawyer".
That comment brought levity to a moment of intense fear. We weren't FIVE FEET from The Snowman!
We though he had Kelly Purple for a minute, but she escaped safely. He was coming after us, and we thought we were doomed for sure but then the TROLLEY came, and we were saved!!!
On the Trolley we met this homeless dude, probably mid-twenties, whose name was Butterfly. We didn't talk to him extensively, but he had a bunch of cool patches on his hat. So anyway, we decided to go to Horton Plaza, but it was still absurdly early still, so we were wandering around, and the sucker that I am, I have money to all the homeless people who asked. I feel bad for homeless people, they remind me of my Dad, who wasn't homeless, but was offered money sometimes because people thought he was. That's a whole other story. So then we met this homeless guy, whose name we didn't catch, but every body (but me) thought he was really hot. He looked mid-twenties, even though he claimed to be sixteen. He kept trying to sell us drugs, and didn't believe us when we said we didn't smoke pot. So then all his friends came over, one of whom was named Otter. Otter was so cool, he was basically what I am gonna be like when I'm homeless. He'd follow people around, and make fun of the yuppies. Later we met this homeless chick who asked me for money and was like "I'm drug free!" and I was like "That's what Natasha's gonna be like when she's homeless". There was this scary homeless dude. He was oriental, and didn't seem to speak any english except what other sadistic homeless people had taught him. He was missing most of his teeth, the few he had were exceedingly yellow, as were the 'whites' of his eyes. He came over to each of us individually, and said "Happy new year, SAY IT!!!!!!!". Of course we all said it. Then he started saying "I'M BEAUTIFUL!!!" and then he went up to everybody and said "YOUR BEAUTIFUL!!!" but when he got to me he was all "AM I BEAUTIFUL????" and I was like "Oh yeah, you're so beautiful". At this point I was sorely resenting the fact that I'd run out of film on the trolley. So then the original dude showed us this neckless, and he's all "I have to give it to one of you, so the good karma will come back to me. I'll give it to the one whose eyes it matches." So he held it up to each of our eyes, and decided to give it to Shannon, and she was like "NO!!!" so Jessica pointed to me, and so I got it.
At this point like eight hours had gone by and all the stores were open, and we were itching to leave, but were sort of trapped. After bout an hour more we finally got away. So then where we met the Natasha homeless lady. Then we went to the food court, ate, farted around the mall, and went back to this F Street we'd passed. Of courese we weren't old enough to get in, but that didn't stop us from trying. Jessie was the one who had the idea, but she didn't wanna go in alone, so I was the only one who had the guts to go in with her. So we went in, and a little while passed, so we thought we were in, even though we couldn't keep a straight face. But then this old guy comes over an busts us as we were looking at the personalized condoms. We were doomed from the beginning, we both knew that. Jessie could have gone with somebody else, but I was wearing my plaid skirt, so I might as well have written "I'm in gradeschool" across my forehead. I tried to get Meghann (who was wearing a kakhi ancle lenght skirt) to trade with me, but she didn't take me seriously. Jessie tried to go in two other times, later when other people were working. Once she went with Meghann, which lasted a full minute and a half, and they didn't even get kicked out. They just left. Then the last time Jessie went with me again, and we got kicked out before we were even all the way though the door.
We got split up somewhere between the first and second visits to F Street. So we went to this Chinese Store where they had really cool stuff, and Jessie and Shannon got these cool shoes for three dollars. Meghann's mom saw them and was like "Those are beaner shoes! You can afford better shoes than that!". We were wandering around aimlessly when we realized that from where we were we could get to this park, Marioland, which is behind this Ralphs, and all of the sudden we'd stumbled upon the Ralphs. This is where we met up with the freshmen and Eric. They'd been at Marioland with the homeless people, and even more of their friends, and Jessica danced topless on a trashcan for fifty five cents. I'm not sure how/why this happened, because no one will tell me the whole story, but they never stop rubbing her nose it it. Everybody but Jessica wanted to go, and Eric and I were the only ones who'd been there before today, so I sat accross the street from the Ralphs with her while we waited for them to finish. The homeless people passed us again on their way someplace. They didn't mention anything about Jessica dancing topless on a trash can for fifty-five cents, for whatever that means. So Shannon waited with Jessica, while I went to Marioland. There's this fountain you can run through, and Eric forced Jessie to go, because normally you're like "No!!!" but you go anyway, and it turns out to be a lot of fun. The water was however unusually cold though, so I didn't go all the way through. I chicked out, but nobody seemed to notice, for which I am very grateful. At this point most of the people had to go catch the Coaster, so we started back. On the way Eric and Jessie and I stopped for our final visit to F Street. So then Jessie and I caught the Trolley, but Eric was taking a differnet trolley, so we said goodbye. We weren't sure what station the others had gotten off, so we road through the first one and no body was there, so we went to the second, where there were none of the other people we'd been with, but we did, however, meet up with Paul Greene and Jonathan Cross. They were talking about masturbation and penis size, which is not unusual for them. We all talked about the things we'd done that day, and they said they saw this man with breasts. It was gross cuz he was a man, but he had nice breasts. Then the Coaster pulled up, where all the other Coaster people were waiting at the door, becuase they'd been at the first station all along. Everybody but me scrambled on, and the Coaster spat smog at me, but we all lived happily ever after anyway.

THE END

PS-We saw Otter at the Trolley station today (Jan 20, '99), and he was all nicely dressed and stuff. We were standing in a semi-circle, and Shannon blocked my view outside the circle, and all of the sudden she turns around (stepping to the side in the process) and yells "HEY!!! It's Otter!" and he was standing there in his bussiness suit, with his arms raised like he'd just taken over the world or something and goes "Yes, it is!" and then the trolley came, and we were laughing too hard for about the millionth time that day.

What has happened to the snowman since then (as of February, 5, 2000).


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